


Of Isolation and Romanticism

by LotusGirl



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Break Up, F/M, Grief, Guilt, Hallucinations, Happy Ending, M/M, One Sided Love, Other, aged-up?, allusion to drugs, and schizophrenia, moth miraculous, probably some form of insanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 19:42:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15803274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LotusGirl/pseuds/LotusGirl
Summary: “What’s wrong? Don’t you like me?”“Of course I do.”“Then why don’t you treat me the same way you treated her?”





	Of Isolation and Romanticism

_ “What’s wrong? Don’t you like me?” _

 

_ “Of course I do.” _

 

_ “Then why don’t you treat me the same way you treated her?” _

 

_ Gloomy clouds painted the sky and blocked the radiant sun, misty light peering into the window. A ravenette boy stood across from a seated red head, his fists clenched by his sides. A swirling void of emotions stacked up inside of him. He didn’t know what to feel; sad, angry, disappointed, confused-- all of it was flashing and burning. His eyes were burning, but no tears fell. Opposite to him, the red head looked very different. He looked weary, tired and grey. Almost emotionless, except for the hue of sadness brushed across his face. Unlike the boy who countered him, his eyes were tinged red as though he had been crying. He looked lost. “What are you talking about, Marc,” his soft voice queried. “Don’t give me that crap, Nath,” Marc hissed. Nathaniel was taken back just a little from his harsh tone.  _

 

_ Normally, Marc was very gentle and sweet, but that was no longer the case. His emerald eyes were teeming with an anger unfamiliar to him. “It’s clear you’re not happy with me. Not the same way you were with Marinette.” His voice was low and frightening, a form of serious that no one enjoyed. Nathaniel stayed quiet. “I just don’t understand  _ why _. She never loved you the way you did to her. But now I’m here for you, and you never give me a genuine smile, not once. Just tell me why,” he asked. Nathaniel’s ocean eyes rippled, looking to the right and avoiding eye contact.  _

 

_ How could he explain it? Marc wanted answers, but he didn’t know how to give them. _

 

_ It had begun to drizzle outside, the scent of the rain drifting inside. _

_ Nathaniel tried to look at him, his voice wavering. “Marc, I. . . I’m sorry. Ho. . . How-- I don’t know. . .” _

 

_ It felt as though Marc’s eyes were piercing him. Like he thought he was lying, trying to be innocent and not understanding the question. Marc scoffed, saying, “Just don’t. You can call me back when you feel like giving me the truth.” He watched the ravenette almost storm out of the room. He didn’t call after him.  _

 

_ Nathaniel’s heart ached a little at the sight, but truth be told, it wasn’t something unfamiliar to him. He stood up and walked to the washroom. While Marc was confronting him, in his hand was an X-acto knife used in many of his art pieces. He stabbed and cut his thumb when he frightened him. The deep crimson blood has begun to run down his hand, becoming much more noticeable than it was before. Nathaniel stared into the mirror as he lightly bandaged his hand. His complexion gave off a near-ghostly appearance. In the blink of an eye, he saw someone behind him. A woman with coal-black hair.  _ “You know you’ll always be my hero, Nathaniel,” she said.  _ Her voice was kind, but her eyes were taunting. His heart pounding, he spun around and saw no one was really there. Of course, he thought. It was just his imagination. It was nothing. _

 

_ A chill went up his spine. _

 

_ After checking to make sure his thumb was bandaged and okay, his weariness prompted him to go to bed and rest. His state of mind would surely repair after a bit of shut-eye. Nathaniel took his time getting there, his footsteps smaller than before. Another voice came to haunt his soul.  _ “Once I reverse you, you’ll have no choice but to make a comic book with me.”  _ Of course, he darted to see if there was another silly thing behind him, and again, there was no one. Nathaniel tried to push it off his shoulders. It was nothing. Just go to bed. He changed into his pajamas and as he was buttoning his shirt, he saw someone in the mirror. A blonde girl cowering in fear as a spinning saw flies towards her and slices her in two. Nathaniel blinked and saw the mirror was broken, but no one was there. It was nothing. He crawled into bed under the blankets and as his eyes began to droop, yet another person appeared, towering over him. His skin was violet and his hair was red and violet. He laughed.  _ “You’re a horrible person. Your crimes should have ended you right then and there. Everyone will leave you someday, once they realize you don’t deserve their company.”  _ But of course, he disappeared too. Just as they all did. _

 

_ The same way they kept appearing and disappearing since the day he was akumatized. _

 

_ Black butterflies were fluttering about the room, each one holding his guilt and nightmares in their bodies. They came from the dreaded hole inside of him, built off of every wretched thing he ever experienced. Being pressured and hurt, getting heartbroken and tricked, being left behind, guilt of hurting others-- it was as if all of those horrible things bundled up and consumed him the minute the butterfly landed on his pen. Often times, he found himself pondering why it was this way. He wondered if he was really stuck in a nightmare, falling dead asleep in that moment and he couldn’t wake up. It was scary. _

 

_ True, Marc found happiness in him, but it wasn’t a mutual feeling. _

 

_ He couldn’t stop thinking about the life he had with Marinette and the pain he induced on Marc. _

 

_ The regret. _

 

_ It ultimately just made him. . . Grey. _

 

_ The hallucinations were beginning to get to him. The figures stood over his bed, taunting him with their condescending faces he wanted to forget. The butterflies were swarming in a circle. He just wanted them to sleep. Nathaniel pulled something out of his shirt pocket. It was a broach, a violet gem with white ribbons hanging off of it. A pretty gem, really.  _ I’m sorry, love _ , he thought, _ but I wish to disappear now.  _ He slipped the broach into his mouth so it was held firmly by his teeth. Nathaniel waited until he felt the fatigue in his eyes, and began to apply pressure to the broach. He was biting it.  _

 

_ It was a bit difficult to really drive into the jewel and his front teeth were pained by the strong casing, but he did find himself cracking the broach. _

 

_ The sound closely resembled that of glass, something that was much more fragile than this broach. _

 

_ At last, the spot on the gem shattered. _

 

_ With that, a course and shrill banshee screech filled his ears and his body became numb. Truth, he was about half asleep at this time, but he was still very aware of what was happening. The visions that haunted him became blurred as did the whole room. His veins slowly faded to black and the butterflies began to spawn from them. A soft, twisted smile rose to his face, a chuckle from his throat. Nathaniel’s eyes shut, his world being flooded with an inky black. _

 

* * *

__

_ He always found comfort in the dark. _

 

_ There was no one to judge him, to hurt him, to pressure him, or break him. _

 

_ It was a world he never wanted to leave. _

 

_ Paradise wasn’t a garden with waters of honey and roads with gold. It wasn’t the presence of loved ones. It wasn’t the indulgence in the filthy, earthly obsessions that plagued one’s mind. It was a pitch-black world without distractions, without people, without all of his problems and pressures to take over his mind and ruin him. He couldn’t see it, so it couldn’t disturb him. Nathaniel inhaled, a kind smile resting on his lips. No voice could reach him, no hand could touch him, no thought could enter him. It was bliss. _

 

_ In the blink of an eye, the shadowy, darkness was speckled with stars of white and blue.  _

 

_ It was a beautiful sight. _

 

_ The ground where he lay was covered in flowers; lilacs, hibiscus, scorpion grasses, lilies, roses, peonies, hydrangeas, lavenders, orchids, baby’s breath, and an abundance of blossoms that had fallen to the grass. With all of them together, it created a sweet scent to accompany the sight of the stars dancing in the night sky. A few butterflies would come and crawl inside the flowers, attracted to the delightful aroma and pretty colors. The grass was soft to the touch and a shade of green that appealed to the eye. It was almost blue. Nathaniel picked one of the roses from the bush that was planted beside him and stared into the deep red petals. A symbol for love, from the Greek goddess Aphrodite bleeding on the petals and turning them red while she cried for her lost lover. It was an act he did himself only once, years ago and it was something he would never feel or understand again. _

 

“How dare you just lay there while someone who loves you dies.”

 

“She still cares about you, no one cares if your heart is broken.”

 

“She lived, didn’t she?”

 

_ Towering over him once again was that boy from before, with the violet skin and the red hair. He was definitely the most cruel of the people he saw, but he didn’t move an inch from his place, his smile fading and his eyes becoming wearing once again.  _ “You’re too weak to even try to fix the problem. Instead, you hurt yourself with this nonsense substance and ignore all of it,”  _ the boy hissed. Nathaniel could only respond saying, “How can I fix something that can’t be fixed?” The villainous figure was no longer standing there. Instead, it was an angel, chained and hurt and looking quite scared. He waited for the winged being to speak.  _ “Please. . . Don’t pretend or lie anymore. Stop hurting yourself like this, or you’ll never be happy with yourself,”  _ it sobbed. He asked,” How can I lie if I don’t know the truth?”  _

 

“Because you know you don’t feel that for anyone.”

 

_ The angel spoke the truth, but it was a truth that swimmed slowly through his mind. It was something he didn’t want to accept. He wanted to make others happy, he wanted to be normal. It was something he yearned for since childhood. To be like everyone else, because he didn’t know any better. It was “right” to be just like them, it was “wrong” to be different. No one would understand, no one would like it. He would be shut out. Nathaniel stared at the rose once again and began plucking its petals with his teeth. It was sweet to his tongue but bitter to his throat. The sharp thorns felt as though they pierced every fiber of his being, and tears were spilling from his eyes, but no emotion came to mind.  _

 

_ What a lovely feeling. _

 

_ He found himself in a broken and old castle, moonlight peering through the ceiling holes. _

 

_ A crown was donned on his head, but the blades cut and stabbed him, blood running down his face. _

 

_ From the throne, he could see just how broken the walls were. Dusty, cracked, probably covered in webs and various demons. A skeleton stood across from him. It had black rams’ horns, four arms, and a set of black and violet butterfly wings. One could wager it looked like the Grim Reaper, here to take his soul and leave his body behind.  _ “If you weren’t so twisted and stubborn, you could have accepted the truth and told them,” he crackled.  _ Nathaniel rolled his eyes. Why would he accept the words of someone who could very well be a liar and a murderer? “Why would I listen to you? You don’t look trustworthy in the slightest,” he asked.  _ “Because I know you. I know the people around you. I know every horrible thought you have, because I am them. I’m the person who’s killing you from the inside.”  _ Nathaniel looked down to see tiny little skeleton butterflies eating him and remained unfazed. A skeletal hand was grasped around his neck, but he wasn’t bothered. _

 

_ After all, this man has been around since he was a teenager. _

 

“I know you always hated me, but it gets dull when you don’t fight back. It especially gets irritating when you pretend I don’t exist.”

 

_ Nathaniel responded,” Why should I acknowledge you when you’ve only brought me suffering?” _

 

“If you know what the problem is, you can learn to fix it. Maybe then you and I can get along.”

 

_ The blades sunk deeper into his head from the weight of the crown. _

 

_ What a lovely feeling. _

 

_ The skeleton man held a heart in his hand, one that was covered in stitches and cracks. “Don’t let this little thing run your life. It’s yours, not theirs.” _

 

_ He crushed it in his hands, blood splattering everywhere. The tissue felt cold on his face, but warm in his body. It was a feeling of comfort, something he wanted to keep. _

 

_ Nathaniel took a deep breath. _

 

_ It was clear of what  _ he _ needed, and that need differed from what the people around him felt. _

  
  


“It’s clear you’re not happy with me. Not the same way you were with Marinette. I just don’t understand why. She never loved you the way you did to her. But now I’m here for you, and you never give me a genuine smile, not once. Just tell me why.” Marc was staring back at him with hurt in his eyes, anger in his hands, and confusion in his heart. Nathaniel thought back to everything. Everything he felt and saw and learned. Hallucinations that brought either pain or happiness. It could all go away with just a few words. He stood up, held Marc’s hands, and said,” I’m sorry, Marc. I can’t love anyone like that anymore, and I don’t want to lie to you. You deserve someone who loves you and makes you happy the same way you do to them, and that person isn’t me. Please, go find that person, and be happy.” Marc looked upset. “Is that. . . what you really feel? 

 

“Yes, it is.”

 

Nathaniel embraced him and watched a smile form on his face.

 

“Okay. I will.”

 

He watched the other boy leave not in a stormy anger, but in a state of peace. He might be upset for a bit of time, but it wasn’t anything that wouldn’t get better with time. Nathaniel looked back outside. The sun’s rays fell through the clouds as the rain stopped pouring from the sky. For the first time in years, a genuine smile crept on his lips. He wasn’t seeing hallucinations. He felt no guilt.

 

He was happiest when he was on his own.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know what was going through my head when I wrote this.


End file.
